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I wish I was layin with you...with your strong arms around me...kissing me right on my ear lope...licking my neck..then u finally exhale...and whisper "I love you" unlike any other time I've heard it...it's REAL!

Before the Climax

The thunder and rain only add to the sound effects we're  going to make 

...besides the late night flights leaving Port Columbus-CMH 

We look at each other...and you say "what" wit that smile...the kinda still shy one. I grab your face..don't look away..it's time..."no more holding back" I kiss you wit such  passion. We both let go... We grab each other tightly...it's that scene out of "Love Jones"

The scratching n sweating of each touch so intense! Your fingers all in my hair! The kisses only become harder n deeper..until I know your about to put it in me...

It's like it's my first time.,,

Our eyes meet even in the dark.,,

The words "I wanna make love to you" are whispered across your lips.

I'm shocked...but I CANT tell you "NO"

 

As we lay...

We lay...I'm deep in thought but can feel his eyes on me...but not just to look at me..it was a look of admiration..appreciation and hope.

I turned to my right side to look him dead in his eyes. Damn his eyes! His eyes smile at me and tell me how genuinely beautiful he thinks I am. 

He sees NOW...what he should have seen then but we were both too immature to know better. He leans in and kisses me...it takes my breath away (literally) we kiss our tongues fight for authority. Who's goin to be the aggressor? Who will lead us..to what we've only envisioned as a piece of paradise... El paraíso

We stop...we're cheek to cheek and he whispers in my ear "Mirar" 

Let's try this...

I yearn for that love that can't and refuses even to be broken...

The do you wanna sip of my juice kinda love...the I rather chill wit you kinda love...and when your away..your the main thing on my mind. Obsessive you call it but it's our connection...that bond...our friendship...that says I can't and won't live without you! So I have no choice BUT to do right by you!

Loving some one with out restrictions....is definitely a choice.

You trust and tell your self...

"let's just try this" 

Love.....

You don't have to like it....

I certainly used to wish that I was skinny, lighter-skinned, with long, pretty hair. But only because I used to get made fun of for being the absolute opposite. I didn't see all of that stuff as the American Dream. I just wanted to look normal. Now that I'm older, I really do feel like I am a beautiful girl
~Gabourey Sidibe~

 

Just five years ago I was over 275lbs and unhappy! I hated Shawntay...I walked around and no one knew the everyday pain of looking in the mirror saying to yourself "YUCK who would want you"

As a child I was teased and bullied some for being fat too. In elementary there was a group of boys that would call me "earthquake" the wrestler. In middle school the attention I got was because my boobs were bigger then my friends.

When my niece was finally born I thought damn I really need to get my life together. I want to run around after her and be able to go up the stairs, play with her and just be an all-around good example to her. Not just physically either but emotionally. It all starts in the mind! I started school I started working out, speaking life TO MYSELF! In the mist of all this I was in a relationship and honestly he was very verbally abusive to me and did nothing but had me fighting myself mentally about my determination to be a better me. 

 

I say all this to say...I say this ONCE and ONLY ONCE. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT DONT LOOK. UNFRIEND ME! I’ve seen...heard. And can only imagine the comments made about some of my racy and sensual pics with my photographer S/O to Welch3Photography by the way! But I’ve worked DAMN HARD to be able to look at myself and say Shawntay "You may not be a size 2 BUT you are sexy you are beautiful" I may push the envelope some… But in reality, how is it hurting you??? I’m not sucking, fucking or stripping for money, I don’t have 5 kids with different dads..I’m expressing myself FREELY and LEGALLY!!! So again if you've NEVER walked ONE MILE in my shoes NOT only DO NOT UNDERSTAND! But simply STFU!!!! I mean that will due love and respect. 

Peace and love

The Ride...

The emotional rollercoaster of "the end" As a child we would read a book, say "the end" and close that book put it on the shelf and on to the next. Reality that’s not how it works in "love" you can say "the end" but there’s still more twist and turns emotionally. Oh and if your still having sex with them except  the rollercoaster ride to intensify and continue....

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Sometimes I really wanna GO THERE and say YEA I FUCKED someone else JUST TO SPITE YOU!!!!! you cheated on me! So at the time I said FUK U and did wat I thought was revenge....

But UNLIKE your sorry ass I have a conscience...,

When I see wat you say to bishes I know you don't have one..

Your here souly out of connivence!

Do me a favor and seriously...LEAVE ME ALONE....as much as I will wanna still fuk wit u...give your new bish the sat faction in knowin your changin your number. Like you told me you will fall off the face off the earth...do that!!!!! 

Ps I'm blocking you and changing my # 

Heartbreaks are like colds

Heartbreaks are like colds the more you deal with them the better you become at getting yourself back to normal again...

You would think you learned from running to the store with no coat on on that chilly day. Or coming outside with wet hair every morning!

We do some many of the same things sometimes excepting a different result.. But now you sick or heart broken again and again. Only in reality having no one to blame but yourself. 

You seen the signs (in most cases) just chose to say "the heart wants what the heart wants" and kept going. 

Dear John

Somewhere on this journey the trust has been lost and the excitement,attention and affection have all disappeared aswell...

Were only dragging this out at this point..which isn't healthy n it's just really pointless. Well only end up hating each other in the long run. 

Let's just be adults n go our separate ways while there's still some type of friendship left please..

Morning text...

She sd: I wanna lick your pussy...

This before 10a...now I don't put time restrictions on sex BUT DAMN! 

So u woke up thinking about how u want me???? SMILE!!!!!

She further told me how she thought about me all night...

My thoughts: went to her hands right between her Carmel toned thighs.Fingers in her pussy and the other hand squeezing her dime size nipples. The arch in her back shows me just how much she likes my pussy...my thoughts have me wet and wanting her more then ever! To show me EVERYTHING she was imaging in our mind fuk..

Kiss me like you miss me and fuk me like you love me she says..

Have you ever fuked someone while looking them dead in their eyes? She's loud..she's wet..and loving every min of it! Kissing...fuking and sucking...she can't hold on to the feeling of pure ecstasy...she cums. 

I kiss her and say

"Good morning"...😝☺️😍😊😉

The Step Parent

The Step Parent

After a pretty heated conversation with a young lady about her current situation with her child's father. This blog really came to light for me. As a product of a “blended family” the convo hit home.

The step parent in many situations is looked at as such a “bad thing” and why? “my child will NEVER call any other man/woman “Dad or Mom” well what if they feel comfortable doing such? You going tell them they can ONLY refer to Roger as Roger? When hes been there from day one? Hes helped you raise little Keisha. He’s been to every assembly with you, helped you celebrate every birthday, bought school shoes and more importantly has LOVED your child like his own! Is that not a like a slap in the face?

My own story..

My real father I have seen my whole life MAYBE 10 times… No diss to him. Hey he choose. I didn’t and neither did my mother. None the less my mother fell in love with a guy who later became my step dad (technically) but to me he is and will always be “my daddy” He has been there, even with all the HELL I gave him he NEVER gave up on me! EVER!

Now let me be honest…my mother pressured and made me and brother call him dad at first. I hated it partially because I was a very rebellious teenager and because I wasn’t ready YET! Once I was matured and was able to see that this man has truly taken the role as “my dad’ and with no questions asked. Ill admit it did take some time for me to be comfortable and for a couple reasons (that’s another blog) but once I was ready there’s no one that could tell me NOTHING about my boo! We to this day have a really good relationship. I think I act actually A LOT like him, and others think I look like him even (that’s always funny to me) but not only him but his whole side of his family embraced me and my brother WHOLEHEARTEDLY. My mother’s approach I’ll admit I DON’T agree with it at all. I do commend her because at the end of the day not only did she stop pressuring us but she NEVER talked ugly about my real father. Never told us or him we couldn’t see each other, if we ever asked about him she would say here's the number I have for him…call him (always awkward lol)

I posted the question on FB about ones child calling the evil wicked “step parent” mom or dad. If you commented and your reading this THANK YOU. More women then men answered which didn’t surprise me one bit lol. I found that the general consensus was hey okay if this he/she is doing for my child too and is genuine, and treating my child like their own (but don’t cross that line!) Then “okay” if my child is comfortable and ready for that step. A very good point that was also brought up and I believe VERY important is that this he/she is not just a random person that the other parent has around for the week, month or two. This is a long term relationship even a marriage (another good point). I personally think it’s okay (when child is ready of course) to say this even in just a long-term relationship. I have been a step parent a few times myself. Let me be clear I have NEVER forced or asked anyone’s child to call me “mom” I’ve always been respectfully and affectingly known to them in different ways.

There were definitely some “hell no” NEVER I don’t think the child should call anyone other then the bio parent "mom" or “dad”. Period! Well okay… my take: It’s a blessing to have someone else step in and say Ill love this child like my own (having their own kids or not) but “I got you” and not only you but them. Step parenting is EVEN harder then one would think sometimes. We are trying to establish, keep it going with the partner and now I have to do the same with a child. OH and not to mention maybe a VERY BITTER Ex as well. This is alot to take in and only the strong will survive this journey. I encourage any parent who feels "some kind of way" about a step parent. Ask your self would you rather your child be in a situation where the new person doesn't support, talk, uplift , help raise or even love your child? What if you were to die tomorrow? Would you not feel more at peace with the fact that not only will they be with their other parent but also that he/she has a partner that will help them with the child?

Blending a family can be very stressful. If you find  yourself in a blended family the one thing that will definitely help is keeping the best  interest of the child at the top of the list. I think alot of times people get so caught up in their won feelings of hurt , bitterness and disappointment about the relationship with the other person that they forget who its all about "the child".
I could be wrong (I know your shaking your head yes LOL) but let your child drive this car. If little Keisha feels comfortable and it comes naturally for her to call the next woman "mom" for the weekend when shes there. Then you should be happy that she feels that LOVED and BLESSED even to have more then one mother figure to run to in the time of need versus some little girls who don't have NOT ONE. In the right situations the step kids end up with twice as more LOVE then other little kids. Lets look at the positive and mature side of things.

At the end of the day EVERYONE will have their own way of dealing with blending their families and how to addr one another. But I urge you all to not be selfish and bitter. Base your decision on FACTS and not FACTS from the now OVER relationship between you and the other parent.  It takes a village to raise a child and if this village member is doing their part then so be it, consider your self not lucky but BLESSED!

 

An old journal entry

My pain is so hard to put into words some days...

Have you ever had such a strong paper cut that you bleed so much you have to continue changing your band aids? But there's still pain after changing each bandage. There's a constant sting!!!!! And you wonder when will you heal when does this pain go away?!?!?!?

You examine the wounds from all angles TRYING to see how in the world did this happen again!!!! You question yourself how could I have been so neglectful? You think I would've learned from my last cut not to do it like that again! I seen all the signs..peeped all the warnings! I seen it coming!!!! But I just turned my head....😔

I refuse to feel like I'm bleeding to my death!!!! And try to analyze where I went wrong then try to get the strength to put another band-aid on my heart. The minute I say I'm going to stop messing with paper...it happens all over again 😔😒😞

But everytime I endure the pain the stinging gets worse and worse, longer and even longer....

Why must I hurt? I don't want to feel the pain! God please choose another victim!!!!!!

Consistency

I need you to miss me...

I need your attention...

I need your direction...

I need your touch...

I need your words of affirmation...

I need your kissess...

I need your love...

I need YOU....

The "Other Chick"

I woke up this morning and as always I open up my FB app to see my home-girl who will remain nameless put another female on BLAST!!!!! The girl decided to inbox my home-girl at 6:10a saying “Bitch find your own man cause this one is got” HMMMMMMMM……. 

Now while in this particular situation I’m def. on my home girl’s side. Girl Code Rule: NEVER EVER call the “other chick” (there are exceptions to this rule) Ill address the exceptions later.

Put your phone down and before you do something out of anger and hurt ladies…THINK!

1^st Re-read the msgs or whatever evidence you’re looking at. Does it sound like she KNOWS ANYTHING about you??? Is “your man” acknowledging this so called relationship you claim you’re in with him???

NO-Then why the hell would you call yourself “checking” another female, when she knew NOTHING about you. And 9/10  times the “other chick” didn’t know SHIT ABOUT YOU!!! She’s being subject to the same “game” this guy gave you! Be smart about your moves. Especially if you plan on just “checking” her and only to still be laid up with the same guy! Guess what you just did there WASTE YOUR TIME AND HERS!!! And most importantly you look MESSY!!! 

Sidenote: and for the LOVE OF GOD DON’T run your mouth to your girls about his FUCK UPS ESPECIALLY if you’re JUST going STAY!!! A wise MARRIED woman once told me…”You NEVER tell your ride or dies when there’s a problem until you know you’re all done! Because like any good ride or die friend we’re ALWAYS ready to BASH him with you!” No sense in causing yourself any unneeded or wanted embarrassment or judgment because you decided you wanted to work it out with him. It’s your life boo boo…DO YOU! Just use heart and take your brain with you!!!!

Like my home-girl so perfectly put it to the “other chick” “if you ever find yourself in another female’s inbox over a man then you’re losing”

 

YES-So in this evidence the “other chick” clearly states she KNOWS you’re his girl and HE even acknowledges this too!!!!! MY PERSONAL OPINION HERE: Who’s ass am I kicking first??? TOTAL DISRESPECT, as a real women any man that steps to you and acknowledges his woman and you still entertaining his BULLSHIT! You my friend need your ass whooped! And Karmas a Bitch! Now YES I’m talking SHIT BUT I’m also VERY SERIOUS!!! No one wants to be disrespected and look like a fool. I will also say this ladies, a hoe will take you checking her about “your man” and sometimes just laugh it off so KNOW who the fuck you dealing with! Some females are like sharks and just as THIRSTY as some men and when the see or smell trouble it only triggers them to go HARDER! Be smart about your moves! Move with logic and grace! And YES you can gracefully kick a hoes A$$ OH YES!

Or you can definitely choose to be VERY mature and just check him. I’ll keep it 100% I’ve done that before too! Sometimes it’s just NOT worth it. Your life, your choices. I’ve definitely seen both sides of this situation. I’ve seen the “other chick” entertain my man at the time (hoes) and even others tell him c’mon boo your tripping ya just going thru a rough patch, maybe you should bla bla bla..or just flat out ignore his ass! That’s a REAL WOMAN! She refuses to be second or eat anyone’s left-overs!

 

I’ll be honest I myself have had my share of finding the msgs to “other chicks”. I have sent my share of “inboxes” even! Yup I have played the “MESSY” card but you live and you learn. She didn’t know about me and I just happen to find out about her!  I called myself checking her! When all I did was embarrass myself. You KNOW your man better than anybody (or should lol) and if you know he’s going be a repeat offender then you honey have a serious decision to make! If they really are your boyfriend and you’re not imaging this relationship or obsessed with just some good dick. Like I said I’ve been there done that…but there comes a point in time in EVERYBODY'S life where you have to decide to keep fighting or walk away. Is this fight worth it to you? Love is NOT a good enough reason to hang on to a cheater and OH YES this is cheating! Love yourself first ladies or NOONE will! And what you allow will ONLY continue.
 

Random

I close my eyes tight trying to remember what it was like just to hug you, just to touch you and say your name during the thrust of our sweet lust. I miss you so much...

I'd do anything just to feel your touch.  I love you in every way a woman can love a man... 

Unconditionally...

Stay and fight...

“They say pick your battles" what if you don’t know if it’s the right battle to pick or not…

How do you really know when its time to STOP FIGHTING….Ill be real what I want I get it damn near at all cost, I'm a VERY determined young lady at times. So my perception VS. Reality sometimes is skewed. I just HATE letting go..It gives me the feeling of failure.I always feel like I have to leave every situation like

“I DID EVERYTHING I COULD” until I feel like I can literally “TAP OUT” then I CANT GIVE UP!I knew this BUT actually did not accept this about myself until recently. My girl told me "Baby you just DON'T like to give up"

All I could think of is Jene Aiko's song "The Worst" I DON'T NEED YOU...I don't need you..but I want you!!!! WE IGNORE OUR OWN NEEDS for what we want at that moment and end up in an unnecessary battle. JUST CAUSE!!!!! WHY-SIMPLE WE STUBBORN!!!!!

At the end of the day we fight for what we "want" VS sometimes what we truly and really "NEED or better yet DESERVE"

Life, Love, Relationships, Hair, Men, Women none of this shit is perfect just make sure your fight is WORTH IT. My biggest lesson learned is not that I don't know how let go sometimes.. but its all my lessons learned from all those fights. I can walk away (when I'm done and have TAPPED OUT) and ALWAYS have a "I learned my lesson moment" If you walk away with out have learned a thing it was all a waste of your time. Time is precious and you cant get it back so it shouldn't be wasted for ANYBODY!